I came, I saw, I bought

Ugh.

I've been trying to trick myself off and on since this whole thing started, and I finally succeeded. The damage? Well...the FIRST time (I know...double UGH...) was around $50 worth of fabric. The second? Around $60. And I'm sure I could have prevented the second purchase, had I copped to the first. So, now I'm gonna lay it all out for you.

The first purchase was online, at the prompting of a "Big BLOWOUT SALE" of some sort. I had told myself that after I did the taxes I could justify a splurge of no more than $100. Of course, I meant to blog about it so it wasn't furtive secret rule-breaking fabric buying. To be up front about it. To CHOOSE to, and fully intent to BUY something.

But that didn't happen.

When I was clicking and perusing, I paid attention to how I was feeling at the time. I found out some interesting things about myself in the process, including that I buy when I'm stressed. I also buy when I'm avoiding things. Woo...doesn't that sound like what hoarders do? I felt pretty messed up when I asked myself the "Why?" question. You see, I was "doing the taxes" for what seemed like an eternity, days and days on end INTENDING to get them done, but then finding everything else under the sun to do. The taxes didn't get any closer to being done any of those times, but I sure had a "good time" surfing the web, chit chatting with old friends, having a glass of wine (or two...). Even cleaning the kitchen top to bottom was more of a priority than getting the taxes done.

Why? OMG, WHY is it so difficult? I'm trying to figure it out. Heck, we were getting a few bucks back, why would you avoid having extra money in the budget? And then some unexpected bills start rolling in...The hubby has to get his first filling EVER (I know, he's a freak of nature at 37) and me, with a filling that lived out its natural life. Then the credit card that I used to fly and see my brother, because I had intended to have the taxes done PRIOR to the trip, and just pay cash. That's normally how we roll, but now it's go time. Time to pay the piper.

The hubby, with the best of intentions, took the kids different places to "give me quiet" to work on the taxes. But, it backfired. They were all out doing not so much super fun things, but FAMILY things together, with me in self-inflicted purgatory. They get to go some where, and I get left behind. I hate that feeling...of not being included. Have there been other times in my life that I've been "on the outside"? Do I set myself up to BE on the outside? Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Ummmm...ok...fabric buying...

In addition to the above questions, I think I've found a crucial piece to the puzzle: When I feel like I am unable to sew and quilt, I buy fabric because it's like paying attention to sewing and quilting. For example: the taxes need to be done, and that SHOULD be my main focus. So, to sit down at my machine and work would be blatant disregard for the importance of the taxes. What do I do? I buy fabric because it's not actually sewing, but it makes me feel better to be immersed in the culture. I know. It's weird. My haul at the online sale started out costing $130, but I had the presence of mind to whittle down the selection to fifty-ish dollars.

And, I didn't even get wow'ed when the box arrived. How sad. I could've just not clicked "buy" and still got most of the lesson. Perhaps it was important to feel that feeling of "Oh, more fabric..." instead of the sparkly wonder it used to be.

The second purchase, I would liken it to cheating on a diet. If you've ever tried the "denial method" of dieting, you will understand what I'm saying. Say you've got a sweet tooth, and you've resolved to not eat ANY cakes, pies, candy, sugar, etc. and then someone has a birthday or you get invited to a party and have a piece of cake. The cake itself is not "evil" but later on that day or that week, you tell yourself that you've already messed up, might as well have that ice cream! It's flawed reasoning, for sure. But it's also an easy copout because the perfection is no longer.

So, NO...I didn't make it a whole year. I *did* make it nearly 4 months. Let's see if I can make it another 8.